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Monday
Mar062006

Jessica Simpson plans to bare her commodious lexicon

Simpson.jpgParis City Light announced a new power generation facility built at the Père Lachaise Cemetery where Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde is interred. Engineers have hooked up a generator to his casket taking advantage of the dead poet spinning in his grave over Jessica Simpson’s planned book of poetry. The vapid vamp announced her poetic yearnings in this month’s copy of W Magazine.

In related news, MTV Productions have shelved their planned reality show Jessica & Nick: The Divorce. Instead they’ve put production weight behind the new horror-infused reality show Jessica Simpson takes the S.A.T.

(Major props to Vic Correro at Writesville for breaking this latest sign of the Apocalypse).

Friday
Mar032006

Dysfunction runs in the family

Dysfunction.jpgI just finished Reservation Blues. Sherman Alexie, does indeed, rock. His writing shimmers with bittersweet touches of reality–– because he writes fiction based on personal experiences.

With that in mind, what are the stories in your life that you want told? I think every family has character-driven dramas and mysteries worth exploring.

Here are a few skeletons from my familial closet:

1) My biological grandfather was born in China and adopted by Western missionaries. He was given the name George William Ford when he arrived in America. He married my Grandmother (Yin Yin), had one son, and died shortly after. Yin Yin remarried and would never speak of him. And nobody else did either. I don’t know his real name or how he died. I sense that he was a pretty bad guy. It makes for awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversations.

2) I have a cousin in Mainland China that became pregnant for a third time. A big no-no. The penalty was twice her annual salary and an abortion injection. Instead, she had the baby in secret with a midwife––then left the baby girl on the steps of an orphanage. An auntie, who lives in Seattle, arranged to adopt the baby. She paid $20k in adoption fees (and bribes) only to arrive in China for the final pick-up and find the baby missing. She’d been given to another family a week before.

3) My Great Uncle Tommy was sold to another family in China. Not adopted out. Sold. Cha-ching. His family was indescribably poor. His mother later immigrated to the U.S. where she had six other children. Her youngest son, Francis joined the U.S. army before WWII and was a clerk assigned to an air unit in China. It was there that he met a Chinese air force colonel––his older brother. The one sold decades earlier. It took 30 years and a mountain of paperwork, but that retired colonel was finally allowed to travel to the U.S.––to see the rest of his family. I met him in 1979, when I was twelve.

Stories like these are why I love the gritty power of non-fiction. After all, who can’t relate to a dysfunctional family?

Monday
Feb272006

Admit it, you've read The Da Vinci Code too

davinci.jpg

I’ve heard The Da Vinci Code described as the "Giant Vortex of Suck". And that comment is edited. Yes, I read it. I enjoyed it. In the same way I enjoy Three’s Company reruns. But that’s another story.

Today author Dan Brown appeared in court to face his literary accusers. This is old news. Other authors have claimed Dan Brown stole their ideas. Or at least left them uncredited for their concepts. I guess when you sell 40 million books you become a pretty big target. From the critics. From other authors. Heck, even from the Catholic Church. (Imagine that guilt).

But will it hurt his book sales? Even if he settled? Probably not I'm afraid. We're about to be carpet-bombed with paperbacks of TDC. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. The only thing that can stop this juggernaut is that faux mullet-thing Tom Hanks is sporting in the film version. What’s up with that?

Sunday
Feb262006

Kleenex sales went up last week

Wanna be inspired? If this news story of an autistic basketball player doesn't do it, seek immediate professional help. Can the screenplay be far behind?