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Meth by day. Book by night.








By Day
It’s been a busy week. Including the weekend, which I spent writing and designing an anti-meth campaign we’re presenting in Cheyenne, Wyoming tomorrow.

Meth is one of those strange drugs that thrives in rural areas like Yakima, Cheyenne and even Great Falls. The perfect drug. You tweak for three straight days, clean your whole house, pluck out your eyebrows and then pick at open sores while your teeth rot and fall out. What’s next? New SuperCrank 3000––one puff and you start lactating (men too) and your eyeballs pop like zits. But hey, as long as you suck on a pacifier and dance to ambient-techno Whitesnake remixes, it’s all good people.

By Night
Despite having my precious weekend writing time swallowed up by my interdiu occupatio––my day job, I’ve managed to make a sacrificial offering of this thing called sleep. The net result: I’m ahead of schedule on the rewrite. The end is near.

Also, I applied to my first juried writers’ conference. Orson Scott Card’s Literary Boot Camp in Virginia, June 12-17.  A handful are accepted each year and I was one of the chosen (geeky) few. Granted, I’m straying over into "elf & unicorn" territory a bit. OSC is a great author, winning Hugo and Nebula Awards back-to-back and has had NYT bestsellers in a variety of genres. I’m still aiming higher for later in the summer–-hoping to get into one of the more prestigious (non-geeky) juried conferences.

Okay, time to pack for my trip. Can I wear my olive sport-coat with crystal meth, or do I need to wait until after Memorial Day?


Schlock the Vote

"The missles are flying. Hallelujah, hallelujah!"--Greg Stillson
For those that don’t know (because it’s so ridiculous I never mention it) I’ve been an elected official for five months now.

Don’t get too excited. I’m only a lowly neighborhood councilman. Sheboygan, Wisconsin’s Annual Kielbasa Queen has more power and authority than I do.

But it has been a learning experience. Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

They mayor swears you in
On the vacant waves of public-access television no less. He must have thought I was a reject from Animal House, because when he got to me he reminded me that when he says, "I (state your name)…", I’m not supposed to literally say "state your name." No cool nicknames like Otter or Boone were handed out, but I did get the equivalent of a pledge pin. Apparently ritualistic spankings are reserved for school-board members.

Vegans don’t like the smell of juicy delicious BBQ
In my first council meeting someone from "the public" complained about the barbecue smell coming from Tony Roma’s. I actually laughed out loud, and almost choked up the riblets I’d had for lunch. Upon further examination of his skinny emaciated physique, rangy beard, and Meat is Murder tattoo—it turns out he was a vegan, protesting the consumption of meat in general. One person’s BBQ smell is another’s stench of death. I don't like the smell of brussel sprouts, but you don't hear me complaining.

Entrapment doesn't always involve prostitutes
Helpful tip of the day. When a policeman pulls you over and asks how fast you were going, they’re trying to trick you. Sure, you were doing 89 in a deaf school zone, but you say you were only doing 50––just to round it down a bit. As long as you admit to being over the posted limit, The Man owns you in court. If you say "I dunno" then he’s forced to rely on his radar gun which doesn’t look so good sitting on the witness stand.

Old laws create memorable recreational opportunities
The beauty of learning about local government is finding out about old laws that still exist. For instance, in Montana, rifle hunting within city limits is illegal. But hey kids, what about bows? Surprise! They’re still legal in some places. So the next time you’re in the Blockbuster parking lot and Bambi walks by, feel free to nock that arrow and shoot him in the head. No law against cock-fighting in your gated community? Have at it. Just remember, no wagering.

Not everyone creates the illusion that they care. Some are genuine
The one really cool thing was meeting Mickey Fearn, the director of Seattle’s Office of Social Justice. Mickey’s job description is simple. Prevent racism. That’s like solving world hunger or curing 8th grade acne. Yet this man took on the challenge. I learned more about the subtlety of human dynamics in one weekend with Mickey than my entire college career. No joke.

Anyone with a pulse can be elected. Just look at me
I’m the poster child. There were three vacant seats in my district, so in a momentary lapse of reason I signed up at 4:59 PM on the last day of filing.  I ran unopposed, did no campaigning, and took it all in a one-man landslide. I was out of town on Election Day, but knew that as long as my wife voted for me, I was in. Even then I had to do some serious 11th hour rallying to get her off "undecided".

Basically, it's one meeting a month. And there are real issues. School zoning, water use, and that pesky no-touch ordinance at the local strip club. That's gotta go. My campaign slogan for 2008: "No Stripper Left Behind". (Don't forget to register).


Oprah's Book Club is proud to announce...

manliness2.jpgIf you’ve never heard of Maddox, the in-your-colon rant-master, get ready to rumble, because yesterday the Alphabet of Manliness hit #1 on Amazon. (It’s bouncing around between #1 and #3 at the moment). His blog’s been silent for many a moon and I thought he probably was a victim of his own spontaneous combustion. Now we know better as his hardback has dropped in on the literary world like a scud missile.

I’m not saying that he's the next Tolstoy. Far from it. More like a bookish version of Tre Parker and Matt Stone.

If you don’t appreciate his humor, at least check out the Amazon page. According to Amazon...

Customers who bought this book also bought:

  • I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell  by Tucker Max
  • Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book  by Robert Hamburger
  • The Modern Drunkard  by Frank Kelly Rich
  • The Complete A**hole's Guide to Handling Chicks  by Dan Indante
  • Sperm Wars: The Science of Sex  by Robin Baker
  • Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way  by Bruce Campbell
  • The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide  by Douglas Walker

And customers tagged this item with:

Pulitzer Prize, spirituality, religious awakening, Nobel Prize for Manliness, testicular fortitude, huge balls, self-help and my personal favorite, Oprahs Book Club.

Kinda gets you right there doesn't it? 


Latest sign of the Apocalypse


Paris Hilton being considered to play Mother Theresa in upcoming feature film.
As Norm MacDonald says, "who needs punchlines when you have the word crackwhore?" Apparently Courtney Love and Shannon Doherty were too busy to attend auditions. In related news Kid Rock will be playing Pimp John Paul II in the new Broadway musical, Pimpin' the V.