What SAT score = Hitman?

Just when I thought I’d had enough of this whole, back-to-school thing, off I go once more—this time I’m speaking to a bunch of kids at Conrad High School.

It’s a career-fair sort of deal, which is always fraught with danger as I’m liable to send the entire class to the nurse’s station having bored them into a collective coma. The problem, of course, is that in my current vocation, I neither blow things up, cut things open, nor stitch them back up again. You’d think that being a jet-setting novelist (we’re talking coach, don’t get too excited) would wow them, but a tax attorney discussing the fundamentals of the 1040ez probably elicits fewer yawns.

Just once I’d like to show up wearing a dark suit, with a suspicious-looking briefcase and tell the entire class that, “I kill people for a living, and get paid a handsome sum to do it”. Of course, I only kill bad people who obviously have it coming—staring at the quaking math teacher in the corner. Then I’d show them how to make Semtex using Drain-O, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, and Pop Rocks, imploring the kids to place the explosives under the gas tank, and not the driver’s side seat. Finally my phone would ring and I’d rush off saying, “I love my work.”

*Sigh*

Instead, I’ll tell them about sitting at a keyboard all day, typing things like this…

Comments

[Eric Stallsworth]

Actually, you really could show up dressed appropriately and start the conversation like that. Then you could switch gears and tell them you are a time traveler from the future, and you're on vacation. Then switch gears once more and tell them that you're really an alien from another planet here to chronicle humanity. This would be a great way to launch into how much fun it is being a "jet-setting novelist". Despite how boring it sounds at first, writing is an awesome way for us to be whatever we want to be - even an assassin for hire who kills math teachers.

Oh, and the Hitman series of games was awesome. Just stay away from the movie (which you have hopefully avoided).

[D. Antone]

Brilliant post! You really should start things off that way. You're a writer, you are allowed to be a little eccentric, so embrace it I actually love public speaking, though I don't know if anyone likes to hear me. I'd bet money that there a few kids out there who will hear you and be inspired to follow their dreams. I think that makes it worth it, even if the other 90% are thinking about where the next party is.

[D. Bhandari]

Warning: This post is ‘R’ rated by the writer.

Or you could tell them that writing is like masturbating during teen years. You lock yourself up in a dark room. You create bogus person (of your choice) in your half-crazy head. You sit down, close your eyes and smile, interact with your imaginary person, and have (imaginary) fun with them. When you’re done, you have ‘product’ at hand.

Source: Self interview of an aspiring writer.